The Beginning

Bittersweet baby 

She woke up the morning after the funeral in a haze of pain. The new normal was to settle in. He was her love, her life, he had shown her life was not black and white it was full of everything, endless possibilities. 

He was the first person that had been patient, kind, understanding, and didn't get fed up of her, or angry at her. She had been loved. Now bleak numb pain in waves sometimes crying uncontrollably. It's all a blur. They had been planning a future, settled together - ready to start a family. Now one last chance this month, this month would tell.

What if I am? she thought. No it hasn't happened for a year, it won't now. Probably for the best, let's not think about it. Nobody knows we were trying so no big deal. No big loss.

Ugh, you're such a liar. Shut up! you're my brain, I can think what I want.

Get up, feed the cats, feed the dogs, sit and stare. There's not much else to do. It feels like he's just upstairs, and will walk down any minute. Even though he'd been in the hospital that last week and never came home, any minute he'll walk downstairs. He was just sleeping. 

No reality again he's gone. Sleep, that's what she'll do, maybe she'll feel better when she wakes up. Too much pain to feel, just numb again. 

After a week the fog starts lifting. Friends ring and text her. She answers them, 'they are there for her'. "Come out, have a night out in town, blow off steam jaysus you could do with it. You've been through so much" they say. "Oh alright yeah" she says, "I'm just sitting here wallowing waiting for time to pass until I feel better anyway."

They're all out, like old times. She drinks a lot, look everybody she's having a great time miserable inside but sure just forget about that for now. It's not making you feel any better. I don't care cause I'm sooo drunk hahaha. 

Waking up the next day in a different kind of fog. It's nicer than the other one though, almost a relief. She heads back home to the empty house, he's on a long holiday now, away, not gone. Gone is too much. The floods start as soon as gone crosses her mind, so he's on a long holiday, he's just away. At home again feeding the dogs, cats, and chatting with the neighbours. "Thanks for looking after the animals, Bye" she closes the door, ahhh quiet, empty but quiet.

It didn't work, you don't feel any better. Kept you quiet for a while hah, Anyway I knew it wouldn't, but 'I'm getting on with life'. Now everybody can see I'm fine and leave me alone to be miserable.

She keeps going forward, no choice. So long as you look ok nobody will be worried, you're doing fine, feel awful but sure that's to be expected he just died. So you know all things considered fine.

Life goes on, it really does everyone else's anyway. She's watching everyone else going on with their lives. They don't have a crater in their lives. They are happy, they still have love. She feels jealous and annoyed. Why can't their world stop too just for a while so she won't be left behind. He didn't matter as much to them.

Oh there's that pain again an ache just in the centre of her chest sort of under her ribs, not in her heart, that's just cliche fiction. This is in the middle of her torso, a raw hollow pit of pain. There are no real words to describe it. It's a physical pain like something has been removed. A punch to the gut, but even that's mild compared to the feeling she has. 

She needs to breathe, stop thinking, stop thinking, ahh good there pushed down away ahh she can breathe again and numb, good!, numb is better.

But what if you are? 

What if I'm what? 

You know? 

Shut up, I told you I'm not thinking about that. 

But I want to…. I'd be really excited.

No! not thinking shut up. Now tv, watch tv that will keep you occupied. 

No it won't. I'm not interested in tv and I can't concentrate. 

Ugh why not? 

Because I want to think.

No, I told you I'm not. 

Why?.... What if I am? 

What if I'm not? 

I ughhh fine no thinking. 

Hah told you stupid brain. Now can we watch tv? 

Fine but I'm not going to concentrate. 

Why? 

I'm sad. 

Ugh just shut up and watch tv or play a game. 10 minutes later. Ughhh you keep crashing? Why do you keep crashing? 

I told you I can't concentrate, stop trying to make me. 

Ughh this is so frustrating. stupid brain. What do you want to do?

I told you

Right, well what if I am?

It would be really exciting

Mmmmhmmmm and that's why I'm not thinking about it. What if I'm not

Eh??? 

Well if I'm really excited and then I'm not…

Ohhh that would be very disappointing 

Devastating 

Could be a relief 

Make up your mind I thought you were excited.

Yeah but now that we're thinking about it.

Arrgggh I'm super confused I told you I didn't want to think about it.

Well no more drinking just in case! 

I'm tired, leave me alone.

Eh-hem I know you don't want to think about it but just in case no more drinking.

Fine I don't want to anyway, I want to be on my own. I'm happy to be miserable here.

Back to work, be normal, just be normal.

Work colleagues "Hi How are you?" accompanied with that ever so slight tilted head sympathy nod. She says "Oh I'm alright sure you know one day at a time". 

I hate that look.

Everything is just the same mundane repetitive cycle, she responds with the several variations of "ahh grand all things considered" they don't really want to know the details. You know like everything seems surreal and she feels no attachment to the world in general and she's going about her day because that's what you do. Keep on going. 

But you're on hold aren't you? 

"Hmmm sorry what were you saying?" She responds to her colleague "oh yes I saw that" "No I can't believe they decided that either" "yup it's ridiculous" 

So is this conversation you're not paying attention 

I'm trying to, you won't be quiet

Hah you don't want to pay attention 

Yeah well I'm trying anyway, now shut up.

"Oh yes" she responds, back now in the world. Working, functioning, getting on with life. 

How long until hometime? Brain don't you ever leave me alone ughh. 

Hometime yay! Driving home, back again to the empty house. It's not empty, remember he's just away. She's still just floating through time waiting for it to feel different. It's been 4 weeks now. Get up, get through the day, do stuff, go to work, whatever! One day after another after another. On and on it goes. It's still a blur, not a fast blur like at first, now a slow slog of a blur just floating through the fog. Although she doesn't particularly notice.

It's been five weeks now! 

Huh what brain?

It's been FIVE weeks

It doesn't feel like it's five weeks since he died, wow time kinda does just keep moving forward.

Yes yes, five weeks since he died and strange contradictory feelings about the passage of time. IT IS and I say this slowly been FIVE weeks which also happens to be ONE week late.

Oh! yes brain THAT five weeks yeah well I'm always late anyway.

Oh FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

okay okay brain what do you want?

Do a test

Really?

No, just sit here and wait and see, pfft it's not like you're not waiting to find out either.

You don't have to be sarcastic! Yes I want to know but I kinda don't. Brain, what if I'm not?

You would be very sad?

She whispers to the emptiness "he would be completely gone"

Hmmm yes, you still need to do a test.

She drives to the shop, supermarket though because she doesn't want to risk a chat. If she bought the test in a pharmacy there might be a pleasant chat involved. Nope just get the test and go. Nice and simple.

Wow there's a lot of different kinds.

Which one, she stands there staring at the shelf full of various tests. Eventually after reading the back of about 10 types, she picks the early indicator test. She doesn't want to leave anything to chance. It says it's the most accurate on the market and can tell at the earliest time.

Good that's good.

Home again, she is sitting on her bed, test and box in hand, she feels sick and jumpy, so she concentrates very diligently on the instructions reading them a few times to make sure she has it right. 

It's very straightforward. I really don't think you need to read the instructions again, take the test already. Why are you not getting up? I am your brain. I command you to get up and take the test.

I don't need to pee.

Pfffft so not true 

Fine, what if I'm not? It will be devastating.

Yes well it probably would be, but sure look you can get through it, you know it may not even be a bad thing. Freedom, not a single parent, all that stuff they're positives yes??? Anyway the result doesn't matter for now you still need to know one way or another. 

Right ok, she takes a half deep breath afraid she might throw up, gets up, goes to the bathroom takes the test all the while her stomach is doing somersaults. 

She comes out, the test held carefully straight out flat in her hand. Put it down oh so gently on the dresser table. She sits back down on the bed. Timer on and wait.

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep. You're still sitting. The test is ready, go look.

Oh eh yeah I'm going, I'm going.

She goes over and looks down to see the test, positive. It's positive. She sits back down again. 

I knew it !!!! 

huh yeah I'm pregnant.

oh my god what will I do 

What I thought you were excited about it.

Yeah I am kind of, I'm also going to panic now.

Stupid brain no you're not.

Yes I am, I don't know if I can bring up a baby by myself.

He believed in me, he thought I could do anything I put my mind to.

On the phone now telling her friend "yes I'm pregnant, I know it's amazing" "We were trying for about a year I didn't think it was going to happen" liar !

"I'm so excited, he's not all gone a part of him gets to live on" 

She finishes her call and puts the phone down. She had to get it out to tell someone, now there's the quietness again. Nearly overwhelming nothingness. 

So…. After not thinking about it you're excited now

Yes I am, really excited, 

I'm devastated he'll never get to see her, he didn't even know she is going to exist. All our plans to share our life, he would have been so excited too. I'm so sad.

What? But I'm happy

And sad, forever, a part of you will forever be sad 

But what??? I'm… I am really really happy 

And sad, 

Seriously brain, how can I be both?  

Ehh I don't k… oh it's bittersweet.