What happened

What happened!

Life went downhill. Like the waterfall it was just a trickle at first and then, life kept flowing and one thing after another went wrong and soon it was cascading out of control. That's what happened !

I am now trying to get back on my feet, and build my life up again from the bottom with kids attached.

There is no choice you have to keep trying otherwise what would happen to the kids.

You see stuff went wrong I did what I was supposed to do and asked for help but I got screwed over time and time again.

The support wasn't there and the services either aren't there or are not applicable in my circumstances, and the age old I don't have the money to access them.

So what do you do? Well I keep going one day at a time a try to figure out a way to make things better.

So how do you find your feet?

Well you have to first figure out how you ended up where you are. I can't blame everything on outside influences yes circumstances were against me but I also got to where I am because of choices I made.

So what choices did I make? One of them probably the worst one, was that I stayed in a relationship with a toxic person even though deep down I knew it was not good but I lived in the hope that I was wrong my instinct was wrong.

Why did you? you fucking eejit I hear you say (that's what I say to myself anyway) 

If I'm brutally honest the answer is I just wanted to be loved it's pathetic. I just wanted to have a loving family of my own. Mine wasn't great parents split when I was 12 and it went to shit really after that and by the time I had my first kid my husband had died (read my other post the beginning bittersweet baby) and even though I was ridiculously happy with my little baby I just yearned for a family a partner to share it all with. Then I met my now ex and oh did I fall head over heals he seemed to be everything nice, caring tolerante etc etc. And wow I couldn't have been more wrong.

We got together when another shit storm in my life was raging. My mother! I only realised during this time how batshit she really is and abusive but it seems I'm a bit slow on the uptake because turns out my ex is eerily similar. They are both extremely toxic and controlling but in the sneakiest of ways that's why I didn't fully identify either of them as abusive until they had totally head fucked me.

In furture posts I'm going to explain abusive behaviour but also I'm going to explain specifically narcissistic abuse, coercive control or whatever you want to call it because it's in a whole class of it's own, and until you live with it you have no idea how particularly insidious it can be. It also doesn't look exactly like the stuff I read about.

But back to how it happened, after having a parent in my case my mother, prime me from childhood to take the blame for everything because you know I was selfish, everything she did was for her kids (it wasn't looking back I see that now) she was the martyr.

I was told I was contrary, I was unfeeling, I was cold, I was literally told I didn't know how to love. Which I believed well into my 20's. Constantly being told that I wasn't as smart as my 'genius' older sibling and obviously just generally ignored, and belittled but also just anything I thought was generally dismissed, I was primed to end up in a shit relationship.

I didn't spend enough time looking at and figuring myself out to see how I was ripe for the picking, because I always assumed the problem was me so I always thought I was the one that had to change had to do better, be better. It never occurred to me that I was good enough the way I was and that yeah I can improve on certain issues I have but I'm not obligated to for other people I should do it for myself.